Snippet - I love that word!

Hey, well its been almost a year since I've been on here. I felt randomly inspired the other day, and thought I would pick up the digital pen once more. Here's a snippet from a writing project I've been working on...

The Winter Of The Soul

As I look out my window I see a world covered in white, as winter is taking hold of the mountain terrain. The air is cooling, the clouds accumulating, and the winds are blowing in full furry as though to announce the coming arrival of a new winter storm. My driveway has become an ice-skating rink, a daily challenge, and a continuous reason for funny stories shared between my roommate and myself. I have become an expert in “shuffling,” in an effort to conquer the ice, though on occasion the ice wins.

I love the quiet beauty the snow brings, the hush it settles over the lives of busy people, as though it were God’s muffler for life’s noise like a mandatory Sabbath. Winter is the season of hope and a time of rest; one that requires great trust as it waits through the stillness. I know how easy the unrest comes as one is faced with a silent season of waiting. But I am learning now more than ever that times of waiting are for times of resting.

I can’t even begin to write of the struggle I have been in this last year, the last few months particularly, and the last few weeks dreadfully. To anticipate the fulfillment of a long awaited hope or dream, and to find it shattered to pieces at your feet instead is a very daunting experience! I’ve been there. Not just once, not just twice. No. Would you laugh to believe I’ve been there three times in the last year alone? It was like coming around a corner, after a long and enduring, winding, bending journey, expecting to at last find the road’s end around the next bend. Wrong. Instead you find it stretching out before you yet again, an endless path before your feet. And so the waiting begins again.

I cannot deny, however, that hope still remains and clings just as close even without reason. For this is the nature of hope.

…Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience (Romans 8:24-25).

That is why I call winter the season of hope; for it is the season when one looks without seeing, and waits for what it hopes with patience. I once found myself struggling to hope with patience, and related the circumstance to planting a seed in the soil. I took that seed of hope and I buried it deep in Christ. I gave it to Him, and watered it with my tears and my prayers. Countless times it felt as though I were staring at the barren ground for ages! To hold on in hope is not so difficult as to hope with patience, especially when one does not see any outward evidence. I was encouraged one day by the thought that like burying a seed in the ground, sometimes we bury our hope. And just as we do not see any immediate signs of growth or life, change is happening beneath the soil unknown to us. During another time of struggle I expressed it like this:

I wore sadness like a cloak today

Like a gray cloud it hung over my heart

It relented to the pain inside

And dropped down tears like the rain

Down on the sleeping soul of a winter soul

On a seed of hope long buried deep

Long reckoned dead it only sleeps

Watered by the very sadness that breaks overhead

Waiting for the day when that resounding YES

Will break the soil and set it free

And Sorrow’s seed becomes Joy’s fruition

-Saturday, December 6^th, 2008

Have you ever looked on nature with a sense of sympathy, gazing at what appears to be a world of lifeless things? There is nothing quite so lonely as looking at a patch of naked trees and remembering the beauty and robust life that once filled their expanse with green. Aspens are my favorite. I used to live in an area surrounded by them, and loved their glorious beauty in the summertime. Few moments of peace have I had as walking the lane in summer, listening to the trembling sound of their leaves as the warm breeze moved through them like a hand over a harp. I would walk there again in the seasons of winter with a longing remembrance of those sunny days. They stand now only lifeless and bare, stripped down to nothing.

Just this morning I was meditating on a song called I Surrender, and it struck chords deep in my soul. It would be no hard to thing to write of the discouragement and despair that one often finds in the wintry seasons. But what is far less obvious, yet no less true, is the deep beauty, the perfect peace, and greater knowledge of the love of Christ that we can find more in this place than perhaps in any other season. There are so many treasures ready to be discovered here, if we have the courage to push past what we see on the surface to find the priceless joys hidden underneath! This is the season to worship, for worship declares our trust in God. Worship puts hope back in our hearts again

Are you looking for healing? There is no healing balm like that of worship. For as we pour out our hearts in love to God, He pours back His love on us, washing over every hurt and broken place, making us whole and complete again. What is so ironic is that we could never know this process of being made whole if we were not first incomplete. We could never know the deepest compassions and love of God if we never walked through broken places. It is in these deep places and hardest times that we tap into the Father’s sweetest mercies. Even the earth needs its winter seasons. It cannot have new life again without displacing the old. Winter keeps the earth seasonally healthy, as it does our souls.

I had an experience this last weekend that brought a great breakthrough in my life. In desperation I was looking for an answer to something that had for months weighed me down. When you have waited for something for a long time, hearing no again is never easy. I thought I was ready to hear any answer that God would give me, but I had no idea how unready I really was. My heart had been shattered to pieces at my feet, and looking at it was like looking at those aspen trees again. I felt lifeless and bare, stripped down to nothing. But over the process of a few days, as I kept coming to God in worship, I found my heart softening again. It was the Lord preparing me to hear not only the answer, but to see His love behind the answer. It was in this place of worship that I came to surrender. When we come to God with surrendered hearts, He meets us in extraordinary ways. As I began to say, “I trust you God. I want your best. I surrender,” found Him piecing things back together again. Peace came back again, and hope filled every crevice. It was like watching the first snow of the season fall, covering the naked earth with its beauty. Surrender to it: surrender to God in the season. You never know the glorious joys and beauties to be found in the most unexpected times and places. This is how we are prepared for a new season of life! This is the season to hope.

The Looney Bean, Mazatlan

Is officially open! For those of you who don't know, it is only the best coffee shop ever. The original one is in Mammoth, and I will say that I always opted it over Starbucks. All our focus this last week has been on getting the new shop ready to open here in Mazatlan, and training too - it has been so much fun! I never would have guessed steaming milk could be so tricky...ha...but I'm getting the hang of it and can make a pretty darn good latte. All in all the hard work, the late nights and early mornings have been a fair tradeoff. Its been a blast participating in Looney Bean history - I got to partake of the first cup of coffee, and be on the first shift when we opened on Wednesday morning (hopefully I'll get some pictures up soon). If I'm not at the shop, you just might find me hiding out in my room with the girls, snacking on Nutella and pretzels - yum! I'll even admit that we each have a personal jar stashed by our beds for quick access in time of a hankering crisis. Or I might be jetting around on the scooter...Nicole and I were riding home double one afternoon, and we just didn't see that speed bump hiding in the shadows - you know, the biggest one on the street? Ha, we totally made air and I lifted off the back of the scooter completely. We laughed so hard we almost had to pull over. Good times.
I worked the morning shift again today, and then walked down the street to the beach in the afternoon for a little time in the sun. How crazy is that - I get to work at the coolest coffee shop ever, located right next to a great beach. Sunny afternoons. Orange creamsickle frappes. Does life get any better?

All In A Days Work

Life is full of transitions, comings and goings, changes…My arrival here in Mazatlan came at a most opportune time – its amazing how a change of scenery can aid the heart in transition. The endurance of change would have been harder to bear amidst familiar surroundings – the kind of surroundings that jog ones memory at every turn. But to be in a fresh place, doing fresh things, working along side new friends, and living where people hold no expectations over your head, has been a liberating experience. I am stepping into newness on a daily basis, and seek to leave what is past exactly where it is – in the past. And the scenery is beautiful – I live but some blocks from the ocean, in a great house that is constantly buzzing with wonderful people (there are about 20 of us living together, including the guests that come and go). The fellowship has been such a blessing! It is awesome to be surrounded by such wonderful and encouraging people every day. I am surprised and blessed to find myself surrounded by nine other young ladies – each so beautiful, sweet, and single too. Our times together have been amazing, and these wonderful girls constantly bless me. The last few weeks, indeed, what has nearly been a month now, have gone by in a blur of fun and hard work. I’ve certainly had some random adventures…I got hit in the back of the head with a rock while we were doing ministry at the dump, and had a nice size bump for about a week. Got to eat some ground, raw fish at another ministry site – needless to say it took a few days to recuperate from that adventure. I love walking to the little store a few houses down and getting a coke for 50 cents. We do kids club ministry every week in a poor neighborhood…I had a horrible cold for about two weeks, and last week I took some kind of stuff for sinus/ear/throat/chest stuff, not quite sure what it was cause the box was in Spanish…anyways, I took it right before kids club and didn’t realize it would make me drowsy until it was too late. I was so out of it and had to do ministry anyways. I was a zombie at the craft table! The other day we were walking back from somewhere, and I was looking down at my feet and didn’t see the cactus coming. Yeah, I got all kinds of fuzzy little hair-like splinters in my arm. Those were a lot of fun pulling out. Yesterday Mel and I had to take the bikes to the grocery store – you know, those old fashioned kind of bikes with the funny handle bards and a basket. And then we had the load the groceries in and tote them back. We were quite a sight, and we laughed at ourselves the whole way. Calling slug bugs is a favorite game, cause there are a million of them down here. Went to a salsa dancing club the other night and had a blast dancing the night away. I can keep up with the best of em’, and I’m not gonna lie, it was way too much fun. And mafia nights are always a hit.
Been helping a lot in prep for the new Looney Bean coffee shop to open up (this weekend hopefully). Yesterday I scrubbed the floor by hand for about 6 hours to prep it for staining. I have a new respect for construction workers – its hard work! Got to do some painting too. Its cool to see it all coming together, and once it opens I’ll be on the schedule about five days a week. How exciting! Each week comes out a little different. One week we were working with the San Diego Masters Commission, the next we helped run the surf tournament. Our current focus is the coffee shop, but tomorrow we leave to help with a surf camp. We get to sleep on the beach, surf, and hang out with the kids for two days – yay! I keep waiting for us to figure out a consistent schedule, but each day seems to bring its own fresh, and often unforeseen, needs. But we live on Mexico time, so as crazy as it gets sometimes, it is still always in that easy going ebb and flow. We are almost finished with our book study on John Wimber’s Power Evangelism, which is totally awesome. Once a week the four of us (Joel, Raf, Mel and I) take sandwiches downtown to talk and pray with people, and none of us really speak Spanish, so it’s a perfect opportunity for us to put into practice what we are reading, cause we certainly can’t do it on our own! I am taken back how fast the time has gone by, and I will be thoroughly enjoying every moment of the next month here in Mazatlan. Taking from God’s hand each day as it comes, and pouring my heart and soul into it – its all in a days work.

Time and Feelings

“I know not what else to say, but that I am oft aloof in life’s paradox. It enthralls me, and I am overcome. Times goes ever tumbling into the great abyss of eternity, like sand through one’s fingers. But this thing I do grasp; that I feel. But indeed, this thing of time is of a much more substantial reality than those tangible things called feelings. For time overcomes feelings – it lays them bare and raw, stripped down to reality. Time allows us to see them as they really are. Time is the light, test, and proof of truth. And truth is the anchor to which we hold when all feeling would stand to deem a connotation of doubt and fear.”
- Friday, June 16th, 2006

Out on a limb.

Have you ever seen a child do something, and witnessed their mortification as they realize people are watching and then freak out? Or when you do something so stupid, and it just gets worse when you realize it didn't go unseen? Yeah. Sometimes life can feel like its on display. Alas for those moments when you let your guard down. That moment of transparency when all feels safe, and then all of a sudden...crap! Not as safe as you thought. Its a huge risk to take your shell off, and stand in a place of vulnerability. But oh the agony of being in such a place and then getting that detrimental feeling that you might have taken a fatal risk! To think you are safe and expose yourself. To be standing out in the open, vulnerable and bare. To think you are safe and to discover you are not is, well, simply petrifying...I long for the place of security, to let down completely, to give in, let go, to love and be loved with nothing hindered.

A New Day

A new day, a beautiful new day...
As I gazed out the window this morning I watched the storm clouds move over the silhouette of the mountains, as the sun came peaking through. The best mornings are the stormy ones. To see those big, grey clouds glide over the horizon, and watch the sun rise to illuminate them into a beautiful array of color. God can take the gloomy things - the hard things, and even little things that try our patience - and turn them into something beautiful. He takes life's storms and turns them into a beautiful sunrise. He turns darkness into incandescence."I think today is a good example of the place I am at right now. A little cloudy, a little windy. Things are gently moving, rearranging. Maybe a little uncertain. But scattered here and there are patches of blue, and every now and then the sun peaks out with it's refreshing warmth as a gentle reminder that it was there all along. Just another small storm passing through, on the verge of spring, with the promise of better weather to follow. But even so, I enjoy such days as these. And even though during stormy weather we dream of sunshine, we still can get tired of too many days of sunshine. Its days like this that refresh and calm the soul. And so I thank God for this season of my life. For I know He is in control, and with the promise of fair weather ahead, I seek to find joy even in the glooms of today, so as to completely enjoy tomorrow's sunshine..."
-Journal Entry, April 11th, 2007
2 Samuel 22:29, "For You are my lamp, O Lord, and the Lord illuminates my darkness."

From the inside out

Craziness...yeah. I just got back from a week in LA helping with a ski show. Man, that was hard work, long and hard, but fun. We picked up our new student, Melissa, who's from Australia, while we were there. She's amazing and I just love her! What a breath of fresh air - she's such a diligent worker, easy-going, and "heaps" of fun. These last two weeks have blown by in a furry of business, surprise, and awesome fellowship. The renovation I feel on the inside is insane. It is hard to see the ugly things God brings to the surface as He refines my life. In the last few weeks I feel as though I gave in to my own weariness, and I see all too clearly the vice of my own selfishness. It is so annoying to me to see how wired I am to put me first. But God's grace is changing me day by day, little by little, from the inside out.